Life Lately: Fertility Update

So, here we are again.

I promised I'd be more open this time around, so here it is:

This past Monday I found myself in that familiar waiting room; my first appointment back in a while. The first one since I mustered up the strength I needed to try to complete our family a few months ago; only to quickly psych myself out again.

But over the past few months I collected all the courage I could; and we're trying {again} for Number Two.

So there I was, Cycle Day Three. In that same room I've visited countless times- on early mornings before work; on weekends; on holidays; on mornings before weddings; and then, ultimately, on days with my daughter in tow.

I've never felt such a strange sense in a place before. A room; an office; a space where I've felt so many incredible highs and such sad lows. Sometimes in the very same day. And in that first day back, so many of those feelings came back. All of them. All at once. 

And while it was scary and exciting, trying and hopeful; in terms of starts, it was a positive one-blood work and sonograms giving us the go-ahead for another FET round. The first of many tests we'll have to pass to make another tiny human. But we're hopeful; because we just have to be.

And I struggled with whether to share this at all. I'm not an expert. I'm not a doctor. I'm not a spokesperson for the struggle we sometimes face entering motherhood. I'm not exceptionally important- except to maybe a lucky a few.

But then I remembered how much I needed to hear a similar voice when I started this journey- some four years ago. And how desperately I needed to hear that I wasn't alone. Because now that I'm all too familiar with this world of infertility, I know that some of us out there are just becoming acquainted with it; and need to know that while it will test us, it is so very worth it. And you're anything but alone.

So I'm sharing this as I embark on our next round of IVF. We're suited up with our toolbox of baby-making pills and potions. Bottles of drugs I swallow hopefully, and injections I will surrender to taking. And we're ready to go.

And while I know I have to be so hopeful, I also know all too well that there will be difficult days ahead.

Days where I will question if it will work; days where I will doubt myself; days where I will have  mood swings and be irritable and bloated; days where that progesterone shot will hurt exceptionally badly, after the skin begins to harden from countless before. 

And while I made a promise to be patient and gracious to myself this time around, I've already forgiven myself for breaking it. Because this shit is hard; but it is also so abundantly worth it.