Lila Lee turned five months old yesterday, and I can honestly say that I think we’ve officially found our stride as a family of four.

It was no easy feat; much more difficult than I had imagined. Maybe because there are four-plus years between our girls; maybe because I had resigned myself to the idea that we would have only one; maybe because she was a very, very welcome surprise.

Or maybe because motherhood is just plain old hard sometimes.

Regardless of the reason, the transition was a challenge for me.

And I struggled with sleep deprivation, and mom-guilt, and our new normal, and hormones, and conflicting emotions in a way that I didn’t the first time around.

And there are more than a few things I wish I had done differently in those first few newborn weeks:

I wish I had let myself stay in bed; soaking in the smell of her newborn head rather than trying to get back to work, creating glossy content.

I wish that I had put my phone away. And stopped scrolling and comparing myself to other bloggers, moms, hustlers.

I wish that I had stopped trying to fit into pre-pregnancy jeans. I wish I had known that didn’t matter. And that five months later, I still wouldn’t. And I would be completely OK with that.

I wish that I had embraced a slower pace of life.

I wish that I had practiced what I preach- that I would have allowed myself to be totally normal. To be content with transition, and flaws, and a learning curve; and not being a super mom or super model or super wife.

I wish I hadn’t compared this time around with the first- that I didn’t expect to bounce back in the same way I did when I was 30. When I had only one tiny human to care for. When I had more energy and less stress and only one job.

I wish that I had stopped waiting to feel like my “old self” again; to get back to my old routine. I wish that I had realized that version of life is gone. But that there was a new one emerging- one a little more full, a little more crazy, a little more joyous.

And I wish that I had granted myself more grace- to be OK with not being OK; to be content exactly where I was, in that thick newborn fog.

Despite all these things I wish I had done, I’m grateful that I was able to pull myself out of it. With the help of my husband and girls and family and friends. And that I’m embracing all of it now- before these happy, tired, blissful infant days are far behind us.

We spend more days in PJs and less getting dolled up.

I embrace that she prefers to nap on me rather than the crib. It’s my preference, too.

I say “no” to way more events and work obligations that I ever thought I would. And, sometimes, that affects my business. And I’m OK with that.

I’ve bought new jeans. Ones that fit my current body. My current life. And I really, really like them.

I’ve learned to stop comparing myself- to other moms, to my former self. It truly is the thief of joy.

I’ve accepted that some days are best spent snuggling in bed; and that, sometimes, we won’t accomplish what we set out to do. While others are executed to perfection.

And I’ve started to take my own advice- to grant myself a little grace. And I’ve learned to be completely content with exactly where I am; with exactly where I’m supposed to be.

“I Love You” Sweatshirt available at Palmer & Purchase on Greenwich Avenue

photos by Julia Dags